Couple Battles Addiction Together And Wins With Cannabis As Medicine

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One year ago today I joined Anne Mari in her warrior battle in beating Drug and Alcohol dependence:

In the summer of 2017, my fiance Anne Mari approached me hesitantly, “I have a problem and I’m going to get help” she told me. Then she poured her heart out hoping that her future husband and new Daddy to Genevieve wouldn’t leave due to her dependence on Alcohol. When someone exposes the inner battle they have over a substance addiction the fear is very real that they’ll end up battling it alone. When we let people know “Hey, I have a problem” the biggest concern inside is how we’ll be judged for that – will the world consider us bad people, bad parents, unprofessional, or just not trustworthy? So many fighting addictions and dependence on substances go through this type of inner turmoil. But for Anne Mari, she fought her battle head-on. Little did I know that 18 months later I’d be joining her in the plight to find freedom from our decisions of the past that were less than the best to make. Alcohol, like pharmaceutical medications, is acceptable to so many and readily available through stores, friends, doctors, pharmacies – you name it. Both of us found ourselves hooked on something we thought was innocent – something we thought was okay to use. Then when it came to becoming ‘sober’ from those addictions we had yet another hurdle to face – an addiction/recovery world that still has its eyes set on 12 step programs that continue to demonize the cannabis plant while allowing people in recovery to use pharmaceuticals for their mental health issues that come with recovery – something we simply do not believe helps. Why should we be discriminated against for this?

In 2017, I watched as she went to meetings and tried to find her place in the world without Alcohol – I was so proud of her as I would go over to my medicine reminder box and take another dose. Now keep in mind I had multiple high staged cancers with bone metastasis – and still have that bone damage today that’s very painful. I have severe epilepsy so taking a few pills is par for the course for life. But, while Anne Mari was out talking it up with others about her problem and fighting for her sobriety within a world that was continually judging her for using cannabis to quit, I was furthering my own destructive habit. Easily I justified every dose of Oxycodone with the pains of yesterday and the pain I had at that moment. What was so intense about this is I was running a compassion program that would give on some months well over 5 liters of cannabis oils away – what I quickly realized was the stress of being a compassion provider to those that are sick, dying, and in desperate situations was taking its toll. No longer was I treating pain from physical problems with the strong opioids – instead I found myself dousing emotions that came with fighting for my own life while watching others perish to Cancer and more. While kids with severe epilepsy and cancer would perish within the program, I found myself using more and more.

What’s intense about all of this is the exact same type of oils I use today in ‘Cannabinoid Replacement Therapy’ protocols that have 100% replaced all opioids for 365 days now – I had at my fingertips back then. I’m one year into freedom – but it all started with what many know as the ‘Cannabis Love Story’. Anne Mari is the mother of Genevieve, who was once a compassion patient in that program but has been my daughter since 2016 when we got together. Without a doubt, she thought she was the weaker one of the two of us, but my fear of withdrawal drove me to depths in the final years of addiction I never thought I’d see. I never used opioids by IV and never stole to get them or anything like that – but my life went into a spiral towards the end of the reign of terror caused by pharmaceutical opioid drugs coupled with my own denial. I looked at quitting but found that continually I would be called a stoner or some other type of derogatory statement by others that were quitting their addictions – and for me, I was quitting pharmaceuticals so the thought that they were acceptable and cannabis wasn’t made me literally ineligible to participate in 12 step type of meetings. I just continued my addiction, complained a bit about her program, and wrote it all off as a bunch of people talking about their problems that “I didn’t have” – talk about denial!

With both her mom and new daddy in full recovery and off of drugs of dependence, Genevieve thrives even more than she already did. Being the best parents we can be is of utmost importance.

Let’s jump ahead to January 2019. Anne Mari was now 1.5 years sober and still fighting the beast we call Alcoholism – an addiction. She was still scratching and pawing for her freedom – and guess what – she still is today in a lessor way and likely always will be in some sort of way. I didn’t understand any of this too well until I made a sudden decision after a doctors appointment that month, Jan. 2019, in which I had to actually inform my own primary care doctor that she had to co-prescribe NARCAN with a high dose Hydrocodone prescription she was giving me to attempt to slowly wean away from these heavy drugs. On Jan 26th, 2019, neither she nor I felt that my quality of life would be better without them but when it came down to writing that prescription, as a quasi consultant as well to her, I had to let her know that the NARCAN had to be written with it. Our family was created out of love, compassion, cannabis, and a life in which both Anne Mari and I had dealt with devastating losses of loved ones. In her case, it also included Genevieve as her biological father fell into the opioid trap a dozen years ago and died of Opioids. The amount of guilt I carried with me while using the pills and knowing this was the history of Gen’s life was far more uncomfortable than the last year of withdrawal and post-acute withdrawal – that’s for sure. It affected my moods, our relationship, and made me a very confused and troubled person.

We were so happy to find each other in the crazy world we all live in, and this photo from 2016 shows that joy. But, we are both in the thralls of addiction in this picture – those smiles are real but deep inside we’re both fighting a struggle that nobody can see – we even had each other fooled.

This put me in a position when I left that doctors office with both the Opioid Prescription and the NARCAN – a position in which I had to make a decision and fast. Would I have Genevieve’s mom head off to the pharmacy as she normally does to fill get my prescriptions filled and ask her to fill both? How could I do that I asked myself – how could I ask her to have a drug on hand in case a repeat incident occurred with Genevieve’s Daddy? We all have our own stories and mine doesn’t relate to well to her bio fathers, but gone is gone and these drugs can and do kill us. In the last hour while typing this 7 people in the U.S. overdosed and died from opioids – and nearly 90% of those deaths are no longer from Heroin – they’re from pharmaceuticals. By the time I’m done editing this article over 25 people will have died in the U.S. alone in that short period of one day. There was no way I could put Anne Mari in that position or Genevieve – I decided I had to man up and quit.

I had to deal with what was coming and find a new way of life. I knew the withdrawal would kick in hard as I dumped out all the opioids from my reminder box that is so barren nowadays. When I had made the decision firmly at home I realized that subconsciously I had already quit at the doctors office when I asked for a prescription that I knew I didn’t have the heart to fill. Narcan. Then I got mad at all of it “How many people have you warned when you give them opioids that any dose they take could cause death” I blurted out. “All of them, I’m the only doctor I know of that does that and people still take the prescriptions, you’re a smart man with a 20 plus year history of use – didn’t you know?” Sadly the answer was NO. I did not know – I thought the people overdosing and dying were heroin addicts and people committing suicide mostly. People partying too hard. I was in denial.

There’s so many photo’s that I’ll look back to and know “I was on opioids in that picture” but it doesn’t take away from the beauty that life brought me back then. I’ve learned that what I did to cope with pain that was not just physical in nature is common. Many people stay addicted to opioids as it numbs our past trauma.

Our family was built on love overcoming tragedy. We live everyday thankful for what we have and try our best to give back as much as we can to the world. We’ve become our own addiction/recovery center of sorts for ourselves. I can’t count the number of times that we’ve sat for hours talking and talking and helping each other out. What generally destroys relationships has made ours unbreakable. What normally destroys a family has made ours as solid as a rock. We all love each other very much – and Anne Mari and I have found solace in simple things – we enjoy long talks before getting out of bed on Saturday mornings or just about any morning we can. Our life is hectic as Genevieve’s schedule is ever changing. With Severe Autism and Epilepsy she’s got a very different sleep schedule – one in which not even the best of psychics could ever predict! We’re up at odd hours and sleep at odd hours to give her the best life possible. We work together on her non profit with the help of her younger sister Sydney who’s always got a smile for both of us. This 9 year old continually brings joy our way and makes the entire process of finding ourselves so much easier.

Everyday is different and can bring something new to us. An emotion we suppressed for years or even decades. A childhood memory we never quite got over. And together we hold each other – we trust each other – and we fight away these demons of the past that cause addiction. Without a doubt the suppression of emotions, past unaddressed trauma, and a history of any type of abuse or trouble as a child seems to fuel almost every addict I know. Throughout 2019 our lives have been so immersed in addiction and recovery – well I should say my life has been as Anne Mari’s already was. Throughout this year the amount of empathy and care I have found in my heart is just incredible – when I thought I could not feel any more emotion inside at all – I was wrong. All I had to do was quit opioids – then I could feel things I hadn’t felt since I was in my 20’s. I could trace back my addiction to my early teens and even before – how much I loved the feeling of those Codeine pills that would be given to me after wreck racing dirt bikes or having dental work done. Both of us together continually look back at the patterns that caused our dependence and address how we’re breaking that cycle. The love we have for our each other and the world at large is immense, and both of us just want to see people break free from the addiction chains that bind.

We were blessed heavily in 2018 with the birth of Baby Leo. Daughter Fatima and Son Michael created a bundle of joy that’s helped both Anne Mari and I get through some of the darker times. Leo is like medicine – his smile and laugh are beyond healing.

The love that comes from a grandchild or any child is more than enough to pull you through. It’s the reason you need to end the era of addiction in your life and develop a pattern of patience within yourself.

I’ve decided that there’s no way to fit this into an article – there’s no way to talk about 2019 and the trials and tribulations that went along with it. The frustrations that had to be overcame and the intense battles that have led to this date. The number of times severe epilepsy came into play during my physical withdrawal and beyond was so numerous – a pattern of seizures started up nearly a year ago that I’m just now gaining control over. It caused a very very harsh year with tons of social anxiety – I can’t count how many times Anne Mari has used the same type of ‘rescue dose’ to stop my seizures that I initially used on Genevieve as she started her cannabinoid medicine journey. Over and over again our journey comes full circle – I was by Anne Mari’s side through her recovery journey the best I could be – and now we’re both by each others side and there’s no more ‘best it could be’ – now it’s for life. Now we’re a team that works together in unison as much as possible to make sure our girls are as happy as they can be.

It’s been a long year and there’s so much more to this story – but we’ll start here.